


The Reason Beneath the Surface

by Heckyheck_Icravedeath



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: :)))), Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crying, Depressed Peter Parker, F U CK, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), The Author Regrets Everything, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, a shame, ahahaah dead, i hate myselfffffff, please bless my satanic soul, still abusing my spiderchild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 14:31:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19443367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heckyheck_Icravedeath/pseuds/Heckyheck_Icravedeath
Summary: Peter loved hugs. That was something that everyone knew since Peter huggedeveryone. He really enjoyed expressing how much people meant to him and he did that by hugging them.He never let an opportunity to hug someone slip by him. It was like his Spidey Senses gave him a sense for hugging people because he always seemed to know when someone wanted or needed a hug. And his hugs were amazing. He knew they were. That was the only thing about himself that he knew for a fact was a good thing.But one time hedidlet an opportunity slip by him. Though it didn’t exactlyslipby. The situation presented itself rather clearly and Peter knew that he should’ve given a hug, but he didn’t. Hecouldn’t.





	The Reason Beneath the Surface

Peter loved hugs. That was something that everyone knew since Peter hugged _everyone_. He really enjoyed expressing how much people meant to him and he did that by hugging them. 

He never let an opportunity to hug someone slip by him. It was like his Spidey Senses gave him a sense for hugging people because he always seemed to know when someone wanted or needed a hug. And his hugs were amazing. He knew they were. That was the only thing about himself that he knew for a fact was a good thing. 

But one time he _did_ let an opportunity slip by him. Though it didn’t exactly _slip_ by. The situation presented itself rather clearly and Peter knew that he should’ve given a hug, but he didn’t. He _couldn’t_. 

He knew people were really confused. Peter _never_ refused a hug. But he knew that they wouldn’t understand. He knew that they would all say it was a dumb reason to not hug people, so he kept his mouth shut and provided no explanation. He simply walked away and acted as if it never happened. It was the best thing to do. 

Then it happened again. 

MJ asked for a hug because she was having a bad day, but Peter said no. 

She stared at him with a shocked look for a long moment. “What?” 

“I said no.” 

“Why? You never do that. Are you feeling okay?” She seemed genuinely concerned and for that it was hard to be mad at her, but he hated when people asked if he was okay. 

“I’m just dandy.” He responded a little too sharply which earned him a raised eyebrow from her and an even more confused expression. 

“Uh huh.” She huffed out a breath and walked off to find someone else to give her a hug. At least that’s what Peter assumed. He could’ve been wrong, but he didn’t really care. He just wanted to go home and curl into his usual ball under his covers and hide away from the world. 

After that he just kept denying hug after hug. 

He knew it was ridiculous. He really did. He also knew that he should just get over it because he couldn't go the rest of his life without hugging people. 

He _knew_ it, but he ignored that knowledge. He figured that if he ignored it he wouldn't feel as shitty, but then again no matter what he did he always felt shitty. 

It was a cycle that repeated every day. 

He woke up feeling like shit. He went to school feeling like shit. He got home feeling like shit. He would do Spider-Man work feeling like shit(that was a rarity because being in the suit broke his heart). He would go to bed — well lay in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking about a certain person and how much he missed said person — feeling like shit. 

Peter knew that May noticed the change in him. Ned had too. Honestly, everyone had. Most people were concerned and _constantly_ asked him if he was okay. He always responded with “Yeah, I’m okay.” And then he’d receive looks that clearly stated his lie wasn’t believed. Nobody ever said anything else, though. They would just sigh and walk away. So obviously people weren’t concerned enough to stick around and actually make sure he was okay, but he didn’t care anymore. He had stopped caring a long time ago. It took too much energy to care. And it was for the better anyway. If people didn’t stick around then, they wouldn’t find out about the things that Peter did. The unhealthy coping mechanisms that he had picked up since the battle with Thanos. Since losing a certain person. That certain person being Tony. 

_Tony_. The very reason behind his hugging problem. 

Again it was dumb. Oh so very dumb, but Peter couldn’t _help_ it. Every time someone hugged him all he could think was: _The last person you hugged was Tony and now he’s dead_. And then he would get thrown into the memories of that fight and that moment and that final breath and that final flicker of the light of the arc reactor. 

It happened every time without fail, so he stopped hugging. He still got the memories because he couldn’t get over that — he probably never would — but at least it wasn’t _as bad_ as when someone hugged him. 

He got shit for it, though. One would think that maybe Flash would give Peter a break since Tony died, but nope. If anything the bullying got worse. And Flash was starting to comment on his new hugging habits. It sucked very much and Peter was _really_ tired. Tired of it all. Tired of missing Tony. Tired of having to deal with the loss. Tired of dealing with people pestering him about how he was feeling. Tired of the questioning looks when he denied a hug. Tired of Flash and his bullying. _Just tired of everything_. 

A break would be really nice, but Peter knew better. He knew better than to think that he could escape it all. He knew that he was stuck. For a while at least. Maybe things would get better eventually, but then again Peter didn’t know how much longer he could last. Every day it was a little bit harder to get out of bed and do things like hang out with Ned or simply eat. 

Then one day Peter’s grip on the edge of sanity slipped a little more because someone hugged him. 

It happened right before the last period of the day. Peter was walking down the hall when out of nowhere Ned came bounding up to Peter with so much excitement. He was talking rapid fire about something that Peter wasn’t really listening to. And a few seconds later he really wished he had been because then Ned hugged him. 

Now Peter knew that Ned didn’t exactly mean to do it since it was Ned. He always respected Peter and his decisions about pretty much everything. But that didn’t make the situation any better. Peter still lost it. He tried to fight it, but it was a lost cause. It always was. 

As soon as those arms clasped around him, his mind went fuzzy and suddenly he was standing in the remains of the old Avengers compound and it was Tony who was hugging him. “I missed you _so_ much kid.” 

“ _Mr. Stark_.” Peter choked out with tears slipping down his face. He tried to say something — _anything_ — else, but sobs were the only thing to escape his lips after that. 

Then things went black. 

Then Peter was standing watching Tony with a pained smile on his face saying “I am IronMan.” 

“Wait, no!” Peter yelled, but it was too late. 

Tony snapped his fingers. And then he was sitting on the ground with half of him burned pretty badly. Peter tried to ignore it. He didn’t know if he could watch it happen _again_. But he _couldn’t_ ignore it. That was Tony Stark, his father figure, he couldn’t just _ignore_ him _dying_. So he did what he did every time and went over to Tony with pleading eyes. “Mr. Stark. We won. Come on. You gotta get up. We gotta go celebrate.” His voice was so small and so broken as it always was. Tears fell down his face as they always did. His mentor stared blankly at him as he always did. 

“Come on. We did it. We _won_. You need to get up. Please Mr. Stark.” He fell to his knees, and a sob shook him violently. “I need you. _Please_ get up. _Please_ don’t die.” _Not again_. He didn’t add that part, but it still hurt. _As it always did_.

“I’m sorry Tony.” He managed to get out before Tony let out one last breath and the arc reactor flickered off. 

“Nonononononononono, please no.” Peter curled himself into a ball and covered his head with his arms. “You can’t do this to me. It’s not fair. Please just come back to me….” 

Someone shook him and was speaking to him, but he couldn’t make out the words at first. Then the voice louder and the shaking got slightly harder. “Peter! Peter, snap out of it!” It was Ned. 

Peter opened his eyes and looked to see his friend crouched in front of him with concern etched onto his face. “I- what?” He whispered with that broken voice. 

“We’re at school. You’re safe. It’s all okay.” Ned said softly. Peter wanted to believe it, but he knew better than to believe that sweet lie. 

He shook his head softly and slowly uncurled himself from the little ball that he was in. He glanced around to see a bunch of people gathered around watching him with the same concerned look that Ned sported. _Great_. He thought bitterly. _They all saw that_. “I’m going to go home.” Peter wiped at his face to try and get rid of the tear tracks. 

“I’ll take you.” Ned offered and Peter didn’t have the heart to deny him. He nodded, got to his feet, and walked to the door with his eyes downcast. 

When they exited the school, it was silent between them. Peter assumed Ned was trying to think of something to say since his friend was terrible at being silent. His assumption was right when not even a few moments later Ned said “Hey, are you okay? I...I don’t really know what happened back there.” 

Peter stayed quiet. He didn’t want to lie anymore. It was so tiring, but he also didn’t want to talk about it. Then again he knew his friend deserved an explanation. “Um...alright, so...basically, Mr. Stark hugged me right before... _it_ happened. And so I guess I just can’t handle when people hug me because all I can think about is his...death.” New tears came in and made new trails down Peter’s face. “So to answer your question no. I’m not okay. Not at all.” 

Ned sighed and shook his head gently. “How come you’ve never said anything?”

“I get enough shit as it is. I didn’t want more and I would definitely get more if I went around and said I didn’t hug people because Tony Stark hugged me minutes before he died and he was like a father to me.” 

“No one would give you shit for that. Flash maybe because he’s an asshole, but no one else.” 

“Still. I just...I’m over it all. I want to move on and live my life like he told me to do in that message he left for me, but I _can’t_. I _can’t_ not think about that fight and how he did it all for me. Essentially he _died_ for me Ned. How am I supposed to live with _that_?” Peter sucked in a shaky breath and tried not to start sobbing like an idiot again. 

“You _cannot_ blame yourself for this Peter. You really can’t. That’s not fair to yourself. You know it’s not.” Peter hated that Ned was right. He hated it a lot. 

“...I just want to forget it all. It sucks. I miss him so fucking much, and it’s not getting any easier to deal with.” 

“I know, but you just have to keep going. I know you, and I know that you're a strong person. You can do it. You just need to believe in _yourself_.” And there Ned was being right again. And there Peter was not able to believe in himself because he wasn’t worth it. He knew he wasn’t. He couldn’t even wear the goddamn Spider-Man suit without breaking into tears. How was that someone worth believing in? His _job_ was to protect people, and he couldn’t do that anymore. How was that someone worth believing in? It wasn’t and that was that. 

“Yeah.” Was all he said in response. It was all he could muster. Ned knew and didn’t push it. 

They got to Peter’s apartment, and Peter could tell that Ned didn’t want to leave him there all alone, but Peter told him that it was okay. He wanted to be alone anyway. He needed to think. 

Eventually, Ned left, and Peter collapsed onto his bed. He didn’t cry. He didn’t have the energy. He stared at the wall instead and let his thoughts drown him. The dark thoughts crept up on him and he knew better than to give into them. But it didn’t matter. He could know better all he wanted and in the end he would always give in to them. 

That’s how it always was.

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck me. I'm sorry. I have no control over myself anymore. jfdshfhsdfhjdshfjdsh. I'm kind of not proud of this like at all ahah, but that's okay I guess. I dunno. 
> 
> I'm very, very tired and over life yeet. Really wanna die, but ummmm anywAY...how's life?? I hope y'all are doing well:) <3
> 
> I hope you liked this and pls leave a like or comment!! <33


End file.
